My little Gnudren,

Old Gnu loves hammering and sawing and which often results in the use of pliers to correct his sins.^[1] He is therefore a fan of GRAND DESIGNS presented by Kevin McCloud. Old Gnu not only loves the design part, but also seeing if the seeds of horror and possible doom, sown at the outset of each episode, will be averted without any fatalities by the end. Or if indeed there will be an end. He also loves Mr Kevin’s philosophising and moralising at the end of each episode. If, like Old Gnu, you are watching this on demand at meal times, in the last advert slot you can pause the programme, put the kettle on, have a cup of coffee and predict or guess how Mr. Kevin’s sermon will go at the end.

The lovely thing is that he often delivers it in a such a light and almost humorous manner. You have to work out whether he really believes what he’s saying, or has a slight tongue in cheek approach. Or does he feel, no doubt like his producer, that it is the best way to bring together the different strands in an artistically acceptable and pleasing way, much like many of the Sermons Old Gnu [and many others] preached in church for many years. And like all good communication, it leaves many avenues of inquiry for us to meditate and ponder further. 

For example: many of the brave Grand Designers end up with enormous domiciles that would require an army of cleaners and grounds persons to keep tidy and in order. And who, [and how], cleans those vast windows and expanses of glass that often take the place of walls in many of these builds, after the seagulls have mounted a concerted assault.

Maybe the HIVE SMART HEATING Company, sponsors of these programmes, had these terrifying questions in mind when they put together their two one liner sponsorship ads:

See, no walls or windows to worry about, so don’t fret about cleaning. And once you’re through the front door zilch chance of the need to do housework.

You obviously don’t need walls to keep warm.  Just a heater and a window. For Old Gnu this ad says goodbye to any sense of cosiness in winter. This flies in the face of the Danish idea of Hygge, cosiness and warmth. They will be up in arms.

By the time of this ad slot Old Gnu is stupidly having any notion of ‘home’ and ‘house’ undermined. A You think you know what a home is! Think again! We are getting the fuller Hive definition of what a home really is. But forgive a stupid question: Do you really need a window if you have no walls?

You may think that home is where the heart is. But clearly, home is where the roof is.

This one is the ultimate horror for Old Gnu. A staircase with no bathroom at the end. At Old Gnu’s great age the need to know where the… too much information.

As a lover of The Great Indoors  Old Gnu is reaching for his tranquilisers after this barrage of disorientating adverts.

At the end of each episode Old Gnu reassures himself by strutting around the house testing the walls like Basil Fawlty. He also goes upstairs to reassure himself that certain facilities are still there – he doesn’t have a downstairs one – and rejoices at the crowning glory of finding that the roof is attached to his house.

In HIVE have announced in 2023 that they were discontinuing their old products and ”got big plans to make Britain’s homes more energy efficient and cheaper to run.” Old Gnu hopes that they have learnt by now that houses have walls, windows, roofs and front doors that are all connected together when they design new heating products. Placing a heater out in the snow won’t warm up a house.

Vetus Pater Gnu
Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XIX Mensis Iulii  MMXXV

^[1] In the interest of political correctness, You could say that describing the use of pliers in this way casts this tool into a negative light. Whereas it could be regarded more positively as an instrument of healing, for example, in the dentist’s chair. As far as I can make out, my wonderful dentist doesn’t seem to use pliers to extract Old Gnu’s teeth. He seems to use a Crowbar or the equivalent technique. – Old Gnu has a very big mouth.