Faster, Higher, Stronger?

My little Gnudren,

Old Gnu is still recovering from the excitement of the Winter Olympics. He has almost had to reach for his tranquillisers to “sehle himsel’ doon”. He can’t get into his bath without thinking it’s a Half-pipe event.  In past days we were enthralled by Ski Jumping, and the exploits of Eddie the Eagle. How daring!  Thirty-eight years on that now looks like chicken feed. The Big Air events, Snowboarding and similar events make that now look so very plain and boring! The beautiful thing about these events is the camaraderie between the competitors. This smacks of the camaraderie that communities experience in times of war. It’s the “we’re all in this together” syndrome, heightened when the next competitor is carried off on a stretcher by helicopter to the nearest hospital. And let’s be honest, we enjoy the thrill of what these athletes do!

Mercifully, the BBC coverage of the Winter Olympics took into account our jangled nerves and over-excitement caused by these events. They wisely punctuated them with very necessary bouts of Curling to restore mental calm and help us all ‘sehle oorsels doon’ before the next bout of suicidal excitement. You will agree, dear reader, that on the seismic scale of excitement, Curling is well below the limits of causing mental instability. Unexpectedly we have Team GB Scotland to thank for this gift. Very generous, considering the provocation and murderous behaviour they have received from the hands of their neighbours over the centuries. I am, of course, talking about the Vikings, who incidentally received more medals than anyone else. No doubt over 50% of their nations GNP is spent on sponsoring their competitors for the Winter Olympics; unlike us poor sparsely populated nations who can’t afford a smidgen of what they spend.

And then there are other high-speed events which are equally, or possibly more, suicidal. Old Gnu thinks that the Skeleton event is so called because it enhances your chances of becoming a skeleton sooner rather than later – head first reaching speeds between 80-90mph with no protection but a helmet. This, like other outdoor winter Olympic events, is suicidal, perhaps more so; but nowhere near as entertaining as Big Air and Snowboarding events. Imagine training 6 days a week over four years for the Skeleton Event! It must be a vocation, akin, perhaps, to being a vicar.When all is said and done, nothing compares with the drama of the High-Speed Punch-Up on ice. Thrilling in the extreme especially if you can see the puck. And even more thrilling if you can spot a goal being scored!  At least they have two referees on the pitch at each match, who can break it up when violence erupts. And what a coincidence that all these referees are Newcastle United supporters! Did you ever think that that peace-making was such a speciality of Tyneside? But one final question. can a person in this fray be excluded from goalkeeping if they have a girth so great that they completely cover every part of the goal without moving?

Import an appropriately padded Sumo Wrestler as your goalkeeper and it would be impossible to lose. Such a person would not need four years of 6 day a week training, apart from eating non-stop of course. Your team would be on to a winner! 

Vetus Pater Gnu
Academiae Musicorum et Theologia
Turris LA
XXVII Mensis Februarius MMXXVI